How Do You Help a Spouse that Has Been Sexually Abused? PART 2

2.   Focus on meeting your spouses needs.

The second step in helping your spouse deal with sexual abuse is to focus on meeting their three top needs.  I know this stinks.  You want to tell them to snap out of it.  But they can't.  If they could they would.  They love you and want it as good romantically as you do, but they can't pull it off.  It's important to remember here that you are not a bandage to hold them together . . . you are the God's healing salve!

She needs you to love her:  She feels loved when the most important man in her life gives her AFFECTION (Guys, this is not foreplay, it is affection for the sake of showing affection).  She needs HONEST, OPEN COMMUNICATION.  She loves it when you engage her in meaningful conversation, and she needs COMMITMENT TO FAMILY.  When you spend time with the kids you are saying to her, "I love you."

His needs are: RESPECT, and in man's terms respect means "she makes me feel like a man."  He needs to be NEEDED, and he needs SEXUAL FULFILLMENT.  If he has been sexually abused you can double the amount of repect he needs.

If you want to help them heal give yourself up for them.  Sacrifice your desires for their good.  In the words of another, "I doubt anyone ever reaches their full potential in life without someone giving up their life for them."

How Do You Help a Spouse that Has Been Sexually Abused? PART 1

This is the final question from our Q & A time to wrap up our series: Sex, The Naked Truth.
Sexual abuse cripples a person's ability to perform sexually in the marriage.  What makes this such an enigma is an abused spouse is often promiscuous, even aggressive sexually before marriage, which is only a sign the wound isn't healed.  The hurts of the past are not like ink, they don't fade with time, they just get pushed away only to resurface each time the memory is triggered, I.e.your attempts at intimacy.

If you are living with a spouse that has experienced sexual abuse they are going to need your help.

1.  The abused spouse needs a healthy dose of your unconditional love.  
Your husband or wife might not be able to verbalize this and probably is not even aware of it, but they are caught in a cycle of blame.  They often wrongly blame themselves for the abuse, and for the problems of relating to you romantically.  Emotionally, this is a horribly painful cycle.  Often attemps at intimacy trigger memories of the past derailing romantic feelings leaving your spouse confused and hurt, wondering, "What is wrong with me?"  When you continue to push and blame them, their feelings of hurt are intensified and their reaction to you is to place you in the class of the abuser, "All you want is sex."

Remember the old westerns where the bad guy knocks the good sheriff over the head and locks him in his own jail?  The bad guy escapes dropping the key just out of reach of the sheriff and the harder the sheriff reaches for the key the farther he pushes it away.  That's what is happening in your marriage when you push or blame.  Unconditional love gives your spouse room to fail without feeling like a failure.  Blame almost never helps.  But when you communicate, "It's OK.  I love you.  I understand.  I'm here for you forever" you are giving them the first thing they need.  In time your spouse will give you the key to intimacy.