This is the final question from our Q & A time to wrap up our series: Sex, The Naked Truth.
Sexual abuse cripples a person's ability to perform sexually in the marriage. What makes this such an enigma is an abused spouse is often promiscuous, even aggressive sexually before marriage, which is only a sign the wound isn't healed. The hurts of the past are not like ink, they don't fade with time, they just get pushed away only to resurface each time the memory is triggered, I.e.your attempts at intimacy.
If you are living with a spouse that has experienced sexual abuse they are going to need your help.
1. The abused spouse needs a healthy dose of your unconditional love.
Your husband or wife might not be able to verbalize this and probably is not even aware of it, but they are caught in a cycle of blame. They often wrongly blame themselves for the abuse, and for the problems of relating to you romantically. Emotionally, this is a horribly painful cycle. Often attemps at intimacy trigger memories of the past derailing romantic feelings leaving your spouse confused and hurt, wondering, "What is wrong with me?" When you continue to push and blame them, their feelings of hurt are intensified and their reaction to you is to place you in the class of the abuser, "All you want is sex."
Remember the old westerns where the bad guy knocks the good sheriff over the head and locks him in his own jail? The bad guy escapes dropping the key just out of reach of the sheriff and the harder the sheriff reaches for the key the farther he pushes it away. That's what is happening in your marriage when you push or blame. Unconditional love gives your spouse room to fail without feeling like a failure. Blame almost never helps. But when you communicate, "It's OK. I love you. I understand. I'm here for you forever" you are giving them the first thing they need. In time your spouse will give you the key to intimacy.
