4. Help them forgive the one(s) who abused them.
This will be the hardest step for most to take. Forgiveness isn't done once then it's done with. It has to be done repeatedly. Until a person chooses to forgive they are stuck. They may want to move on and even try to move on, but until they have forgiven their offender it is impossible to move on. Whenever the memory of the hurt is triggered, and often this happens on the subconscious level, the one wronged will be unable to resist certain emotions - emotions like, fear, anger, shame, sadness, depression, guilt, disgust, and even hopeless despair. They will be incapable of relating to you the way they want to until they have forgiven the wrong and rebuilt their thinking around the truth.
Forgiveness means, I release the offender from owing me anything. They key word is release. Does the person deserve forgiveness? Absolutely not! They don't deserve forgiveness any more than you or I deserved God's forgiveness. That's why God said, "Forgive one another as I have forgiven you in Christ Jesus." Do you have to trust the offender again? Absolutely not! Forgiveness is given freely, trust is earned. If a person forgives an offender does this mean the one who committed the wrong won't have to answer for the wrong? Absolutely not! Unless they repent and ask God's forgiveness God will give them the full punishment they deserve in the day of judgment. Forgiveness means this person doesn't have answer to you. Forgiveness is not for the other person. Forgiveness is for you. When you release the offender you are at the same time releasing yourself from the anger, sadness, depression, guilt and any other emotions associated with the unforgiveness.
Unfortunately forgiveness often isn't a one time deal. Your spouse will have to forgive repeatedly - every time the memory is triggered. The good news is that if they will live in this process of forgiving every time it comes to mind one day forgiveness will be complete. You want to know how you'll know when forgiveness is complete? Your spouse will be able to respond to you as though they were never abused.
Start the healing process today. Choose to forgive: Father, I forgive ______________ for the wrong(s) done to me. I release _____________ from owing me anything. I forgive in the same way you have forgiven me in Christ Jesus - undeserved. Thank you for helping me forgive. Father, by your grace I will forgive every time this memory is triggered. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.
